There was a time I could lose weight without a problem.  It was hard but I always made the effort and was able to stick to the plan because the end result was worth the hard work.  It was important for me to be thin and look good.  Maybe it was because I was single and dating and that was really important to me.

This time around it isn’t coming so easy and I don’t understand it since it should be coming easier now.  It’s been 2 1/2 months since my son was born and normally that isn’t a lot of time to get back into shape (unless your a celebrity in which case they leave the hospital in their skinny jeans) but I’m also going through a separation/divorce and typically your supposed to lose your appetite.  And if that’s not enough I should be driven to lose the weight just to show my husband what he’s passing up (immature, I know) but nothing is motivating enough.  Nothing is doing the trick.

I just keep eating  and eating.  Every morning I awake with good intentions to eat clean and count calories but something happens after breakfast that just sets me off track.  Breakfast is always good – I have a protein shake – and that keeps me full for a long time.  Around lunch time I begin to munch and then I just don’t stop.  It’s crazy.  I just lose control.

And it’s not that its not important to me because it is but something just takes over and I lose focus of my goals.  Maybe it’s because of the separation and my emotions being all over the place right now but this is something that would make me feel better and give me some of my confidence back.  I think I have to focus on the rewards and benefits I will achieve by sticking to the plan and achieving my goals which are to fit into my nice summer clothes by summer.  That’s it.  That’s what I want.

The plan:  I will stick to 1500 calories a day and to make it easy I will divide my meals into 5 meals per day at 300 calories per meal.  That’s reasonable and should keep me satisfied.  No overeating and no starving so I binge later on.

I will write more frequently so that I can keep track of how I’m doing and be accountable to myself.  That is the only person I should do it for – myself.

I had a thought today about how fast time goes by.  Right now I’m almost 35, so 40 will be here before I know it and how much time do I want to spend being fat, not fitting into my nice clothes, living in track pants every day, afraid to bump into people I know, feeling out of shape, I could go on…

Enough is enough.  I need to start taking charge of my body and my health.  Starting now.  Not tomorrow or the next day.  Now.

MATC

Just a quick post about how grateful I am to my family for everything they do for me every day.
Since I moved to my new condo I have had someone come visit me almost every single day, in fact I don’t think even one day has gone by that either my Mom or Dad or sister or aunt or cousin come over with some home cooking or something. It’s absolutely amazing and I’m so appreciative.

I’m really really lucky to be surrounded by so many kind and supportive people.

MATC

2008 was a very big year for me, filled with ups and downs, many revelations and the end of 2008 also brought the end of my marriage.  I never thought I would be a single Mom, it just wasn’t part of the plan, but as I’ve learned life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

People change as do the rules by which you live so I can either sulk and brood or I can adjust, go with the flow and be thank ful for what I have which is an amazing and supportive family, without whom I’d probably be lying in some ditch somewhere asleep, and 2 amazing children which I’m greatful for every day.  Even on 1 or 2 hours of sleep.

But this year isn’t about what happened last year, it’s about starting fresh and building a new life.  Creating new routines, activities, friendships.  My Mom says that if you have a vision of where you want to go and keep working towards that vision, you will get there eventually.  Here is my vision:

Become fit and healthy.  Go the gym and do activities that I enjoy.

Spend quality time with my kids, help them become well rounded, respectful and decent people.

Spend time with friends that I enjoy being around, not out of guilt or obligation but truly enjoy being with.

Work from home and generate an income that will allow me to live without worry and also spend time with my kids.

Be in a relationship with someone who enjoys doing the same things I do, going to movies, beach vacations, going to the cottage and spending time with the family.

So goodbye to 2008 and everything it brought and hello to 2009 and all that it may bring.

MATC

That’s right, the man whom I stood in front of 4 short years ago and promised for better or worse, till death do us part turned out to be a grade A first class asshole.

Now, generally I don’t resort to name calling since I don’t believe it does any good but somtimes there’s just no other description for it.  If it walks like a duck and it behaves like a duck…

Tonight I ventured into the dangerous territory of asking my husband from whom I’m separated if he has any regrets, meaning about us and he said he has some ill feelings… what is that????

I thought that when I had moved out and he didn’t get to see his kids every day he would totally regret everything and want us back.  I was wrong, very wrong.  He said he didn’t used to like coming home so I asked him if he likes it now and he said it’s a different dynamic.  Is that a yes?  I think so.

For a little while I actually felt sorry for him because I thought he was an idiot who broke up our family without thinking and is now paying the consequences but that is not the case.  He seems quite content to be on his own and see his kids a few hours a week.  Wow!  How could I have married someone like this?  How could I have not seen how cold this man was and how family just doesn’t matter to him.  The very things that are most important to me are the things he takes so lightly and carelessly.

The only sense I can make of this is that there is someone else out there better for me.  Why I didn’t marry that person and have kids with him I’ll never know and it doesn’t matter because if I had to go through all of this again to have the kids I have now I would in a heartbeat.

Tonight was a turning point for me.  Something has shifted and I’m taking a little of myself back.  I want to get back to myself and feel like myself again.  I’m not sure exactly who that is these days but its not someone who is going to cater to my selfish husband, in any way.  I need to rebuild my life as a newly single person.  A newly single mom. And I will, for myself and my children.  Karma will take care of him and I will take care of me.  First for a change.

MATC

This isn’t a retorical question, I’m really asking where have all the good men gone?  There are some great men out there and I know because my father is one.  Although, as I’ve come to discover lately men like my father are a dying breed.

The good ol’ fashioned men who love and appreciate their wives are as gone as VCR’s and walkmans, they’ve had their time but eventually a newer, flashier model of DVD’s and iPods have replaced them but no matter how cute and sleek the newer versions look on the outside they are not without their problems on the inside.  Just like men.

I used to think that the longer you wait to get married the better chance your marriage had of surviving.  You’re older and wiser and more experienced so your supposed to know yourself better  and what you look for in a partner and be able to recognize it when you meet him.  But like any theory they can fail.

This year was a big year for me with a lot of changes.  Some good and some not so good.  I had a beautiful baby boy named Max and separated from my husband in the process.  Literally in the process of carrying my son my husband and I separated.

Once I got over the initial shock and started to look for single mom blogs online I realized how un-alone I really am.  There is a whole cyber universe filled with single moms and some really bad break up stories making my sound like a fairy tale.

Back to the question, where have all the good men gone?  Is it possible that men are only as good as the partner they want to be good for?  So if they are not with the right woman they are jerks or behave like asses but as soon as they are with the right woman they turn into princes?

To sum up 2008, it’s been a very big year to say the least, one with many changes:

I got pregnant with my second child and first son
I got separated from my husband
I gave birth to a healthy baby boy
I moved out of the home I shared with my husband and will make a new home for myself and the kids
I saw again how supportive my family is in time of need

I’m extremely lucky and can’t wait to see what 2009 has in store.

Happy New Year and see you next year!

This is my first post post baby and it’s time to get back to writing and posting on the weight loss journey.  My last weigh in with the doctor pre baby was 192 which goes to show how much my body yearns for weight as it’s only 6 lbs less than with the my first pregnancy and I thought I was much better this time around!

Although it’s only been 2 weeks PB (post baby) I’ve been weighing myself twice a week:  Saturday and Wednesday.  If I check in twice a week I think it will help keep me on track.  Wednesdays weigh in was 172 so I’m 20lbs down but that includes Max so its not that much of an achievement.

174 lbs 2 weeks PB

Tonight I had a bit of a binge… I won’t go into the reasons why but suffice it to say that my plan is to be very good with my eating Monday through Saturday and on Sunday I can indulge with foods of my choice, but still watch portion control.  It’s not much fun feeling sick from being so full but it is a lot of fun eating the foods I love.  And hopefully it will keep me on track during the week to know that Sunday is my cheat day.  I won’t call it a cheat day I’ll call it a fun food day.

MATC

So basically I’m huge and almost the same weight as when I had M.  It seems I put most of it on at the very end and seeing as how I’m 40 weeks tomorrow I consider that the end… but my doctor doesn’t. At my check up today I was half hoping he would tell me I’m in the starting stages of labour OR to to go the hospital and get induced over the next few days but neither happened.  I’m not in labour and he told me to come back next week for another exam and ultra sound.  Dammit!! 

The ultrasounds are uncomfortable and the exams even more.  So if nothing happens naturally this week then back we go to the doctor.  What is it with these kids not wanting to leave my body?  It seems other people can’t wait to leave me.

Anyway, I don’t have any pics to post as my computer is unavailable but I’ll try to post some soon so I can see my weight journey from beginning, middle and end.

I’m thinking this time around I’ll just stick to what I know works for me when I’m trying to lose weight which is watching my choice of foods and counting calories.  I”m not good with fad diets or cutting stuff out, I’ve always had more success with just being sensible and eating the right foods, not overeating and watching my calories.  I’m also hoping to have better luck breastfeeding but I’m not afraid to supplement with formula when necessary. 

So the countdown begins… my bet is that I’ll be at the doctors next week with no further progress than I’m at now.  I’ll think positively and try to talk this baby into coming out asap but I’m not sure it will do much good. 

MATC

This was the first Halloween that M went out trick or treating, and it was a huge success!!

With the company of her cousins showing her the ropes she was a pro by the second house.  Once she learned that she gets free candy just by knocking on the door and saying trick or treat she had no time to waste.  She couldn’t move fast enough to the next house.

I thought she would be afraid or not into it seeing as how she’s really not into attention from strangers but she loved it!  She said thank you at every house which I’m really happy about.

It amazed me how quickly she picked it up and how she just got it, what to do and what to say.  I guess since she’s my first I don’t know what speed or age kids are supposed to adapt to new things but she amazes me all the time.  I’m so proud of her.

Today we went to a Bar Mitzvah and she danced up a storm on the dance floor, surprising me once again.  She’s usually so shy and today she was on the dance floor the whole time.  She’s still a little reluctant with people she doesn’t know but she’s getting better.  And I can’t ask for more.

MATC

At this point when I was pregnant with M I just wanted her out.  I kept hoping I’d be early but actually I was one week late and induced.  After she was born there were times I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I couldn’t believe I wanted her out early.  If possible I would have put her back in just to get some sleep.

37 weeks 181 lbs

This time around I’m going down the same road.  I want him out.  I’m tired and can’t sleep and just want him out.  A friend from work just had a c-section 3 weeks early so she wouldn’t go into labour (medical issues) and the baby is beyond gorgeous.  I’d be ok with that.  Even the c-section right now sounds good, that’s how tired I am.  The thought of pushing for hours on end makes me want to go to sleep and be woken up when it’s over.  I know I know, c-sections shouldn’t be voluntary and of course I won’t ask for one it’s just how I feel these days.

I’m going to bet I’ll be late again.  My actual due date is November 13 so any guesses as to when he’ll actually arrive?

So yesterday I wrote how I made a quick $50 by letting the film crew park in front of my house, well they never showed up to pay.  By the time I asked someone about it there were only movers left and they said they don’t handle those things.  Drag.  I wasn’t going to get the money, I spoke (wrote) too soon.  So I went to bed disgruntled thinking 2 things:  1)  Film crew: you suck  2) doesn’t anyone keep their word anymore?

Today when I returned home from work there was a note on the door from the same man I spoke to that offered me the money.  The note said to call him so I did and lo and behold he was at my door in 20 minutes with $50 cash!  Nice!  Film crew:  you no longer suck.  My faith in humans is restored somewhat.

MATC